Article: What to Do When Your Child Hates Hearing, "No."
Question: "My son hates it when I
tell him no. He throws things in
his bedroom and has temper
tantrums. HELP!"
From Miss Mona: Frustration comes when we want things to be different than they are. We wish the traffic were moving faster, yet we're stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. We want our partners to come home on time and yet they're staying late at work.
But it's not the traffic or the late partner that makes us frustrated. It's wanting things to be different than they are that is so frustrating.
So when your child is throwing a
tantrum it's because he wants
something to be different than it
is. He wants you to say yes when
the reality is that you're saying
no.
Likewise, if you're frustrated
that your child is throwing a
tantrum, it's because you're
wanting HIM to be different than he
is. You want him to be agreeable
when in reality he's throwing a
tantrum.
It's painful to want things to be different than they are.
So one of the most important things you can do is to see if you can have a little compassion for both you and your son.
The reality is that you're both suffering in this situation. You're both hurting because you both are wanting things to be different than they are. He wants you to say yes. And you want him to accept your no.
Finding this compassion for yourself can help you calm down and also reconnect with the love that you have for your child and for yourself - something that can easily be forgotten in the heat of the moment.
From that place of reconnection, you can find yourself more resourceful and better able to handle a situation where your child is upset that you said no.
Throwing things across the bedroom is one way that frustration looks when it's experienced in a child. How does frustration look within you? Yelling at your child? Spanking him? Grounding him? Is that when you start drinking, or vegging out in front of the TV?
Instead of reacting with immediate punishment, take a mental time-out for yourself and see if you can access some of that compassion for yourself.
Both you and your child are doing the best that you can in that moment. And ultimately, neither of you wants to have a difficult situation because it's not pleasant for either of you. Open your heart to the fact that you're both innocently wanting things to be different than they are and then watch what possibilities reveal themselves to you.
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