Article: What to do when kids are lying.
It can be maddening when it seems like a child is lying to you. You feel like you've done your best to instill in them the idea of telling the truth, and sometimes they just don't do it.
Here are 3 tips for when you're dealing with kids you think are lying:
Tip #1: Reinforce Times When They Tell the Truth
It's easy to assume that if you want a child not to do something, you have to make him feel bad about doing it.
But by focusing on what you don't want them to do, you're only drawing more attention to that behavior. It also teaches your child to motivate himself with guilt and fear. Ouch.
So instead of making your child feel bad about times where she might be lying, reinforce and acknowledge the times that your child tells the truth. What if you were to stop punishing for lying and instead focused on thanking your child when she told the truth?
Try phrases like:
- "Thank you for being honest about that."
- "I'm glad that you told me that."
- "I like knowing the truth. Thank you."
Tip #2: Understand the Reason for Lying
The main reason people lie (kids and adults included) is because they're afraid that if they tell the truth, something unpleasant will happen.
So try seeing lying as what it really is. It's a defense mechanism. It's an attempt to protect oneself from perceived danger. People who lie tend to be scared in some way.
If you suspect that your child is lying, instead of jumping on him immediately and accusing him of lying, consider that he might be afraid to tell you the truth in that moment.
Have some compassion. People (including kids) are more willing to tell the truth when they're not afraid. So to support your child in telling the truth, show your child that she is safe and loved and respected. Listening without judgment is one great way to do this.
Tip #3: Take Your Own Advice
If you think that your children shouldn't lie, then you try! :-)
Especially with your kids, see if you can be completely honest in your interactions with them. When they ask you why they can't go play outside, instead of making up some arbitrary reason that isn't really true, look for the real reason and share it with them.
Let them in on your process of wanting to be honest with them. And if the honest answer is that you don't know, go ahead and tell them that.
By living what you want your children to do, you'll be setting an example and showing them what's possible. It can also give you some perspective about how challenging it can be even for an adult to stop lying - and we've been expecting little kids to know how?
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