Article: What to Do When Kids Are Being Disrespectful
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Today's article came from your submissions - many of you have
written that you struggle with kids who are being disrespectful.
So
here are 5 tips for when a child is being disrespectful...
Tip #1: Remember: They're Doing The Best They Can
When a child is doing something that seems disrespectful, it's not
just for the sake of being a pain in the butt. Ultimately, kids
don't like it when you're upset with them. That's not their goal in
life. They don't want to be punished and be miserable and have the
adults in their lives mad at them.
Kids want to be happy and feel good! So if they're acting up and doing something that seems disrespectful, chances are pretty likely that their behavior is a cry for help in some way. So before you start attacking or punishing them for their behavior, take a moment to consider that the child in front of you is struggling internally with something.
Consider that if the child knew a better way to express themselves or deal with this situation, they would probably take that route. But in this moment, they are doing the best they can with what they have available to them. (And it's not that their best isn't good enough. That's the whole point. Their best *is* good enough because it's what they've got.)
This simple acknowledgment can soften your heart a little bit and make the conversations that follow a little less intense.
Tip #2: Notice What You're Labeling as Disrespectful
You've heard the phrase, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?
Well, the same is true when it comes to disrespectful behavior. Not every adult considers it disrespectful for a child to assert a firm, "No," when they don't want to do something. Not every adult considers it disrespectful for a child not to follow directions the first time they're given.
It's not that these adults are condoning the behaviors, but they've been able to separate the behavior from the *judgment* about the behavior. This allows for a much more objective approach to dealing with the behavior issue itself.
In reality, there are no disrespectful behaviors that children do.
There are just behaviors that you do and don't approve of in
particular situations. Could it be that in a different situation,
that same behavior you don't like would even be appropriate?
Tip #3: Be Careful with Time-Outs
If you're going to give a child a time-out, do it mindfully. An appropriate length of time for time-out is one minute per age of the child. So a 4 year old gets a 4-minute time-out. An 8 year old gets an 8-minute time-out.
Especially at home, it can be tempting to have a 30 minute time out - as if the more time they have to spend alone, the more they're going to "get" that they did something bad. As if having more time to reflect upon their actions is a good thing.
Don't go down that road. Stick with short time-outs based on the
child's age and feel free to ask for an apology or acknowledgment of
their actions before they leave the time-out area.
Tip #4: Use a Behavior Chart
Pulling out a behavior chart in the middle of a heated situation with a child's behavior isn't the right time. But when things have settled and you're clear that you want to work on a specific aspect related to the behaviors that seem disrespectful, charts can definitely help.
Get specific about which disrespectful behavior will be worked on and then on the chart, word the desired behavior in a positive tone.
Example: If the child tends to talk back, instead of writing "Don't talk back" on the chart, write what you *do* want the child to do. Try: "Speak softly," or "Wait until I'm finished before you talk."
Then, each time you notice your child speak softly or wait until
you're finished before he starts talking, give praise and let them
mark the chart. If the child talks back, don't do anything with the
chart. Wait for the next time to "catch them being good" and then
mark the chart again.
Tip #5: Try Living Your Own Advice
If you think the children in your life should be more respectful,
start by setting that example for them. This is especially
important when you go to talk to a child about the behavior they're
doing that you think is disrespectful.
Do you yell at the child? Do you point fingers? Do you belittle them in front of their classmates or siblings? Do you use words like "always" and "never" and bring up their past behaviors as proof for how bad they are?
Children learn by example. How you treat them will impact how they treat you. Watch for places in your relationship where you can be more respectful toward them - especially in moments when you think they're being disrespectful. I know it's challenging. And we've been wanting little kids to figure this stuff out?
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