Article: Are You Setting a Good Example?
So you want your child to change some of her behavior issues?
How about starting with changing some of yours?
I know. I know. You've got other things to worry about, right?
And you're doing the best you can considering all the things
you're juggling. Tough. Change them anyway.
<end rant>
Doesn't feel so good does it? To have someone demand that you
change your behavior just because they tell you to?
And yet that's what most adults do. They just tell kids what
to do, what they're doing wrong, and how they should change.
Well, if you want your child to change some of his behavior issues, now I'm going to invite you with all seriousness...to change at least one of yours.
Before you try using a behavior chart with your child, to address an issue around talking back, or following directions, or keeping his hands to himself, print one out for yourself and use it for at least a week.
Really?
Yes, really.
Try using one of the charts yourself and see what it's like. Be aware of what you're expecting your child to do. And if you can involve your child in this project, great!
Consider this opening:
"I know there are some things I could be better at. I'd like to work on some of them. Can you tell me 3 things that you think I could do to be a better mom/dad to you?"
Nothing complicated. Just a simple question so that you can hear what they're thinking.
Really listen to what they have to say. Don't judge them or get
mad when they share their ideas. Just write them down on the
paper (maybe share a few laughs!) and then thank them for
being so honest with you.
Now comes the fun part...
Go to this page and print out a free behavior chart that you like: http://www.freebehaviorcharts.com/charts
Pick one item from the list of things your child thought you could improve and figure out the positive action that you could focus on with your chart.
Example: If your child said that you could be a better parent buy not yelling at him so much, you might write at the top of your chart: "Speaks with a soft voice to __________." (Put your child's name there.)
Then, think of an incentive that you will get when you complete
your chart. This can be a great chance to involve your child again.
Especially if the thing you're going to earn is something that the
two of you can do together - like a trip to the library, or you
watching him in the pool for 30 minutes.
Making It Work
Now...the idea here is that each time you feel like yelling at your child, if you choose instead of try to change your behavior and you talk in a soft voice to him instead, you get to mark your chart.
You want to try to do more of the new behavior - not punish yourself if you do the old behavior. When your chart is full, tell your child that it's full and then celebrate with the special activity.
As you're going through the process of using the chart, notice how it feels to be trying to change a behavior. How willing are you to engage in the process fully? Do you resist it in any ways?
These are important things to notice if you're going to be
expecting your child to stick with the process of using a chart, ya
know?
Even if you don't feel comfortable involving your child in
this process, consider doing this privately just so that you have
the experience of working with these charts. And who knows...you might even wind up enjoying the changes that you make!
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